sure am
Posted by samcjh | Filed under Uncategorized
It seems like almost yesterday where i was in that hellish tekong island doing my basic military stint but now as a 1 year soldier in the SAF i have successfully endured it! 10 more months to go, though life now is basically routine i sure treasure it still as its 10 more mths before my brain gets the exhaustion of university life. I am surprised at how others would stumble upon my blog ( currently 2) and identify with the situations i face, it makes me less alone in my struggles and if others can identify im sure Jesus does completely. though 1 year in army marks a minor milestone in my army life, the 1 year also signify the lost of my dad which would celebrate his birthday 3 days before my enlistment if he were still here. I am still struggling with the thoughts of how different my days would be and how my choices would turn out if my supportive dad was still by my side. I still have dreams about him though the dreams of him still with me have morphed into dreams where i know hes gone. I guess my subconscious side has finally gave up in the pursuit of the imaginative, of him still being with me. I do miss those dreams where my dad would still be so alive beside me and we would do things together. Though dreams are just the thoughts of an active mind in an inactive body i still feel ever so real when i meet my dad in my dreams. Now that such dreams fade away to the aknowledgement that hes gone, one tiny pillar of escapism has ironically, escaped. Still i know i have to face the challenges of life which will keep coming be in the form of army or studies i now identify with the feeling of facing them alone. I guess its just human nature to avoid thinking of unpleanantries but i’ve reached a dead end. o how i miss you dad.
you’re fired
Posted by samcjh | Filed under Uncategorized
130710 at approx 1500 hours, i fired my driving instructor mr quek.
reasons for getting fired by me
1) always starting late and ending early
2) never replying my questions with a logical explanation, eg: ” how come i clutch in the car can move. reply= dont ask so many questions and act smart. <– negative instructor)
3) never telling me what i am going to learn in the next lesson or the day’s lesson. ( eg, i keep driving around gombak in circles)
4) WORSE. Buying bao or going to pang sai when im having lesson. <_ unforgivable.
5) calling me stupid like im supposed to know. if i knew, why would i need to learn?
6) being himself
7) farting in the car
these are just some of the reasons i can think of which fuels my anger each time i learn driving. driving lessons are very tiring and demoralising for me to endure. I do not have to put up with this shit esp since i am paying him out of my own pocket. Anyways today when i quarreled with him, he tried to threaten me cause i didnt pay him the additional 13 bucks. I refuse to pay cause hes always eating my time and this 13 bucks is to show him who’s boss. He says he will send sth to me or what shit, i dont really care cause hes just a insane slave car driver. his number is 98512345. if you ever need someone to piss you off, approach him for his expertise. so long you blood money sucking rude driver! o ya he drives a mishubishi lancer which is white in colour. his number plate is 5088. i will road hog that asshole when i pass.
Interesting
Posted by samcjh | Filed under Uncategorized
Todays saturday! My pastor asked us to write about what we would like to engrave on our tombstones in cellgrp. Its sorta like a final goal that you have tried living up to. heres mine.
———————————————-
A conflicted individual
Living his life as a duel
Between pleasing and obeying
Jesus or worldly sayings
believing that till parting
his life will not go a wasting
For he has lived with this conviction
that his children will too live, for His reason
———————————————————-
I guess what i want to say is that while i know there are somethings that are right and somethings that are wrong, i still sin too. But while struggling thru life and its temptations. I know why i still live, and i will pass this to my children. To live for Jesus.
llabour day
Posted by samcjh | Filed under Uncategorized
Today when i woke up, i felt stabbed. Its one year since you left dad. I could not help but think of ‘what ifs’ what if you never left us, what if there was a cure for cancer, what if, what if. All this thoughts just made me feel like my heart has always been aching but today its just extra sensitive. I always try to brush unhappy thoughts away to keep myself jolly but today i cant. I cried all the way from picking up the photograph of us together to eating my oats for breakfast. If tears could bring you back, i think i would have given my 300% already. I know its no use being sad now that sadness can never bring anyone back, but i still feel that way. But thankfully dad, i have alot of supportive friends who have been closer to me since this struggle. I know friends can never replace your position in my heart but still, they help to patch it up just alittle bit. I passed my BTT dad. I am finally able to drive with supervision now! O i remember the days where i sat in the back seat of the car and you drove and we talked. Such amazing times and so treasured now that i think of it. I want to learn driving so next time when i have my own child, i can also share the amazing times you and i had on the car with him/her. sigh if only you were here dad, i wont feel like i have nobody to talk to and share my joys. though you would never shout horray or clap furiously at my achievements but from your smile i know you are proud of me. I want you to be proud of me dad, i will make you proud of me.
someupdates
Posted by samcjh | Filed under Uncategorized
i’ve not been blogging recently maybe due to my army or just pure laziness. Sometimes i want to type down things and sometimes i don’t. Next saturday will mark the one year that my dad has passed away. The straits times contacted my mum and asked her if we wanted to put up another posting in the obituaries. We did the math and its pretty expensive so we figured we will do without it. Since obituaries are more for others to read, if they cared about my dad, theres no need for an obituary posting to remind them about it. One year has passed so quickly and it is still like yesterday where i can see my dad just sleeping in his bed on a lazy sunday. i can forget about my work, i can forget about friends but when i think about my dad its just so hard to stop. Even in camp and i have to sleep i would often think about what life would still be like with my dad by my side. So different i guess. I want to be strong everyday and just face the world knowing that everything happened for a purpose but sometimes that purpose seems made up, it seems unreal. I know how God has helped me through all this but sometimes im skeptical and doubtful if its working. I want to trust but its so hard. I even bought a new Bible so that i can be closer to Jesus now that i dont have a fatherly figure to rely on and to confide in. I know that God is real to me but i still try to distract myself from feeling sad by other wordly things like games and exercise instead of relying on Jesus. Next saturday i have taken leave from army and i would go by my dad’s memorial to put some flowers there and to clean up his picture. I want to time reverse just one year and stop all this from happening. I want saturdays like that to never come. Saturdays of sadness and mourning. My aunt and cousins will come by and visit too and i appreciate that because now that my dads’ gone, family is ever the more important. i really wish i would just live by so quickly so i can see my dad in heaven again. People have told me that time would heal but i think its all a lie. when my dad left, a part of me left withhim, a part that can never be taken back.
Yesterday was duty and i felt zonk
Posted by samcjh | Filed under Uncategorized
I had duty yesterday,22/3/10. I decided to write a compo and chloe suggested the title “dress” so here it is.
Singapore, a country always striving. A country of traditions, cultures and ethnics that have not changed since a community of migrants called the land their home. There lived this child, housed in a sparesely furnished humble two room flat located in Chinatown, a place rich with heritage. Parented by a father who earned his livin as a cobbler and a mother who supported household expenditures by washing the dishes at a chinese resturant, Jude did not have the luxary of money. Jude studied in a all-boys school near his place, he liked it there.
Jude had attractive features, he was tall and athletic. His chiseled jawline was made more stunning by his dimples. His thick and well-defined arms built after years of swimming attracted the admiration of boys his age. He was proud to be attractive, but shy when boys teased him about his voice, his feminine voice. Thus, jude was a quiet boy. When he spoke, he would always hollow out the sound of his voice with a cupped hand. This lead to nicknames like Mr shy or Mr big-mouth, but Jude knew those people were a minority. At the on-set of maturity, Jude changed.
Jude became more self-conscious of his actions when he was in the presence of others. He constantly checked if his shirt was just slighty loose such that it would not appear tight. His hair had to be moulded to the right angle and his facial hair trimmed neatly. His voice, he could not seem to control it anymore. At times when he shouted, a disturbing squeal resounded. He felt like his throat was like an unoiled mechanism, rusty and squeaky. He had began to start taking notice of this boy, the boy with broad shoulders in swim class.
At swim class, jude pluckered up the courage to ask the boy for his name. Jude wanted to know him. But so as to appear casual and not at all random, jude started by asking him if he wanted a drink. His name, as Jude discovered, was Vichnies. Jude and Vichnies became very close friends and always hung out after swim class. Jude had a new best friend. Jude started to mellow down his trainings as he hated the veins that would pop out when he did intensive weight training. Jude focused more on grooming now as he felt insecure without proper turnout and attire. Jude became beautiful.
Now Jude and vichnies were very much attracted to one another. They started to do things hetrosexual couples did and this came to the attention of Jude’s family, Jude’s conservative family. They were rudely shocked at the advances their son had on the same sex and could not accept such dire turn of events. Jude tried to plead.
A couple of days passed, Singapore is still striving as usual. Life in little Chinatown still goes on as a cold motionless body was found below block 255. A body clothed in a dress.
Hi dad
Posted by samcjh | Filed under Uncategorized
I just woke up from a nap, i dreamt about you again dad. Today i did my skin biopsy, to find out what this birthmark i had since birth is. But i think i know the answer. This birthmark is what you and mum gave me. I really miss hugging you, talking to you on long car rides, punching yr belly, greeting you when you come back from work, tackling you when you’re asleep, tickling your unflinching feet, hearing to you rant about public affairs, eating breakfast which you will always wake up at 5am to prepare for me, drives to school, buying of beehoon on saturdays and sundays in the early morning, waking me up for school so i dont have to set alarm. I can easily type out a Gazillion things here that i miss about you dad. All this sacrifices all this years, i took most of them for granted and it was so easy to tell your unconditional love for me was ever existent. I feel thirsty and all i had to do was to tell you that and you would go to the kitchen and pour a glass of water for me. I feel terribly sad now to recall all the many things that i miss and i cry ever so often even when i am in camp or when honourable occasions come and i feel that the absence of you make the whole event useless. I might even go to command school and be an officer if you were here dad. But now i do not find meanings in parades or occasions where i have to bring my parents and you’re not there dad. Mum is there for me but still, i had always identified with you dad. You never discriminate my choice of fashion, my offset of liberalty to cut some awlful hairstyle. You always stood by me, in times of confusion and arguments, i know i have your vote. Its importance is so much more amplified now that you’re not here. I know you’re in heaven now and i want to trust what everyone says that you can see what i am doing from heaven and read this, but the physical replies and hugs that i would get from you are now so very absent. I need that. I need to be physically assured. I have mum to hug me ever once in a while and she would also cook and we eat together, but that missing seat at the dinner table never fails to remind me of your warm presence that was once there. Though somtimes you would just talk to mum about your friends and i would sit there eating silently, i still liked the fact that you had so much so say about work. I have really very little things to talk about with mum. I look at things around the house and somehow i benchmark them as things i got after you left and things you got for me. i treasure the things you got for me even more so now, you can be rest assured that even though those stuff are faulty i would get them fixed. I just want to keep more of you in the house. I know thats very abstract and unrealistic but i just want to hold on to everybit i still have left with you. The printer we bought at the IT fair, the mouse we got when we went to sim lim, the ipod you gave me money to buy, all these objects bring back fond memories of the times we had together and i treasure them so. I really miss you dad, words cannot express how much i miss you. I hope you can see all the events i wanted you to be at in heaven and clap for me, clap so hard dad, that i can hear them from heaven. And when i glaze upon the vast sky, smile to me dad, smile to me and embrace me, just as you would do if you were there. I really miss you.
6th MARCH
Posted by samcjh | Filed under Uncategorized
WOOTS IM 20 NOW!
5th march at 1030pm, met up with clement and erwin and his gf and clement’s friends.
1100– went to zouk VIP lounge
1100- 6th march 0400 got high and danced at phuture. saw some horny dude touching a girl who went to me and used me as a shield. got stepped on. got drunk.
0400-1000 slept at clement’s friends super big house with gym and sauna and all the stuff rich ppl have
1200– reached home and slpt
1700- met aunt connie’s friend at ion
1800- went to her house which was the same condo as the one fann wong stayed at. 7 million dollar apartment
1900-2200- ate with uncle kok lim.
Best birthday ever! thanks clement
GOLD!!!
Posted by samcjh | Filed under Uncategorized
YAY I GOT IPPT GOLD!!! MY 2.4 timing was 9.42mins, just made the mark. Before my Ippt was not confident at all, cause my training in MP course was quite lax and i didnt really do much high intensity running on my own. Furthermore i had chinese new year celebrations before my ippt. Yesterday before Ippt i was just like… lets just go through this motion, i dont think i can do it anyways, i put on weight, i didnt train, i dont think i can. But during ippt the amazing thing was that my pullup increased to 12 and i still felt that i could do more! my standing broad jump was 230 and 234cm and i also made the minimum mark for gold! hence before my run all the requirements for Gold was there, all i had to do was to run for a good timing. I prayed to God and said that if he allows me, may i have Gold and bring glory to Him. I didnt prep myself up by reminding myself of my own abilities but rather i left it all to God. 9.42 mins might seem like a short time but it was a huge mental struggle. In my first 1.4km my shoelaces came apart on my right shoe, the constant slapping of the shoelace was annoying but i knew i could not stop and tie them back as that would add precious seconds to my timing. I just ran. Like a Machine i ran. Blank thoughts. Run. Breathe. NOthing else registered and the only sounds were coming from my feet pounding the pavements and my shoelaces slapping my legs. The last 30 seconds were the most crucial, with the help of my friends they did a countdown and i really sprinted my heart out. Not wanting to repeat history again, i pushed myself. I got Gold. I was too breathless to even talk after the run, my thighs were weak from the constant need to push my muscles harder and harder. My lungs were collapsing and inflating very mechanically. I was really Happy.
Sometimes when i ask sth from God and i really want it very badly, God says wait. On my first ippt i really wanted Gold very badly, i knew God was there but i relied on my own strength. I had confidence in myself and God was like my sidekick, just there for support. But this time around, i know i am weaker, i know i did not train as hard, i know i lack the confidence in my abilities, i trusted in the Lord. God was the main focus now, i leaned on him wholely for the whole test, my abilities became my sidekicks. And God gave me the Gold i wanted. This has reminded me that sometimes when we pray for things and we feel that the time is ripe for the blessings to show, they sometimes dont go according to our plan. But this does not translate to God not listening to our prayers. God knows what we want and God knows what to give. He has taught me from this test to trust on him whole heartedly, to know that we are weak and it is through Him that we can become strong.
I got my posting today, I will be going to gombak as an mp. In my mind i dont really want this posting as Dog unti was my first choice. But after the ippt lesson i will trust that God will lead me just as He has led me all these years.
Almost Gold
Posted by samcjh | Filed under Uncategorized
Last week was my IPPT test! surprisingly my standing broad jump improved by a grade to B which was 234cm. After i got that i was like WOAH! my shuttle run also improved to 9.7s and my pullup i did another 2 more to make it 10. I thought for sure Gold would be mine although my previous fastest timing for 2.4km was 10.15. SO i ran. I RAN SO HARD. But i got 9.46……….. SUPER DISSAPOINTED CAUSE IT WAS JUST 2 SECONDS AWAY FROM GOLD TIMING! MAN! i ran till my legs were weak, till i could not even open my eyes at the last 50 m sprint and i still missed the score. Very sad. After that ltr that day i got to know that my guard duty was on saturday. ANother demoralising event to think about. Still i praised the Lord and i knew that though i might not enjoy my weekends as much, i can still delight in Him.
Last week my cell grp leader’s grandfather passed away, one of my closest friend also experienced it in the same week. As hard as i tried, i kept thinking about what i experienced too. It was real gloomy that day but thank God i was always given strength as i know better things have yet to come as promised. Gone ahead not gone away was what i told them. Yes, gone ahead.
Now everymorning in bunk i read and do my bible study. I pray to God for the strength to go through each day. No longer am i shy about my faith and no longer will i hide or try to conceal my praying as i know without God i cannot pull through, without God i am nothing. And as promised each and everyday God has given me new mercies, new blessings and a renewal of strength and trust in him. If i dont do bible study in the morning, i would feel different in the activities that follows. But when i do bible study and i pray and commit to Jesus, He answers my cries and He comforts me. I really thank God that through this difficult time i have drawn closer to Him and learn to rely on Him more then ever. God knows his plan for me and he will bring me through it. This is His promise. I love you Jesus.
